I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, however, over the last month I started falling for his best friend, the best friend told me he felt exactly the same but neither of us want anything to happen because we don’t want to hurt my boyfriend like that. I love my boyfriend so much but I really can’t stop thinking about his best friend and it’s really starting to depress me. I have started feeling so alone and really lost. Please help. –Katie
Katie,
Here is the plan. You just feel guilty leaving your boyfriend, so you need to do something so he’ll break up with you. I suggest you just start eating like a pig (i.e. ice cream, pizza, chocolate, etc), and gain a few dozen pounds. Your current boyfriend will eventually dump you. This is the first part of the plan.
After he dumps you, you will need to start exercising like crazy to get your figure back, so that the other guy will want to be with you.
Before you start with this plan, however, be sure to let the other guy know what you are planning to do, so that he doesn’t get put off by the weight you’ll be packing on.
Lastly, this plan assumes that you are not already fat. If you are, the you are screwed!
If a bear can ride a bicycle why is it I can’t learn Norwegian? Seriously I go to class everyday, I live in Norway, I watch Norwegian tv…. How hard can it be? I do my homework and I put in extra study hours. I am a college grad so I know my brains aren’t completely useless, most of the time… So why is it that if we can teach birds to talk, monkeys to use sign language and bears to ride bicycles that I can’t learn Norwegian? -Jenna
Jenna,
There is a much bigger issue here that you are overlooking. You need to work on finding the mental deficiency that is causing you to want to learn Norwegian. This is a country with a population of barely over 4.5 million. If you don’t put a stop to this quickly, you’ll soon find yourself trying to learn Latvian or Armenian.
I broke up with this guy I dated for about a year because he wasn’t thoughtful enough. He keeps on surprising me with lavish gifts, taking me to exotic places, calling all the time and just being too awesome. It’s all too much. Why is he not considering my health? I mean too many surprises can’t be any good for my heart right? So I just want to know how to avoid these douche-baggy awesome guys.
Help! I’m just looking for the plain old asshole type to date! Is that too much to ask for? -Desperate
Desperate,
Well, you are pushing it with the neediness, but I guess everyone should be able to decide what type of person they want. To find the douchiest guy possible you need to go to a tanning salon, preferably one that is by the beach. Stake out the place and look for a guy with a tank-top and an armband tattoo. That’s the guy you want.
I am a single white mom.. and I have a crush on the father of one of my kids friends, who is also single….. And the problem is…I don’t usually like white guys.. They just never seem to be packing like the brothers are.. I’m not sure what to do! But he is so cute and funny…Should I take the chance or not? I would really HATE to be disappointed. I just don’t know what to do. -Super Sweety
Super Sweety,
This is pretty simple. Ask one of your slutty friends to go sleep with him or just get enough action going so she can check his junk and report back to you. Problem solved!
I don’t know if you can really help me with this, it’s been going on so long now I think I may be beyond help. It started as an incidental thing, with Dear Abby and Ann Landers, they were right there next to the comics and the crossword puzzle. It didn’t seem right to read everything on the page except for those two. I was younger then so their answers seemed like such sage advice I never questioned them. I started to realize as I got older that their answers were always pretty trite and didn’t really amount to answers. They always advised people to go see a therapist, seek professional help or blame it on the man – all common sense things (except for the man thing) if you have half a brain. Then the paper started carrying Hints From Heloise. Some of her tips are great (vinegar, who knew it was that damned amazing?) but her readers must all be half brain dead. You can read the excitement in their messages when they tell her how they figured out tying two leashes together (two!!) gives their dog more room to run. It gives me a nice blood pressure raising rage when I read her columns. I think the turning point for me really was when the internet came in to my life. It brought my obsession for reading advice columns right to my fingertips. The best part of this is I don’t have to wait days, weeks or months to see the common reader’s responses to the seeker’s problems or the “professional’s” answer. They all come through completely unfiltered and almost instantaneously. Online advice columns have become a wonderful mashup of Dear Abby Landers and Hints From Heloise. Sometimes I skip the actual column and go straight to the comments. I get great enjoyment out of reading the asinine responses and comparison’s to their own lives. I laugh at how stupid some people are and smirk at those whose problems surpass the original writers.
Is there any way I could possibly enjoy advice columns more than I do? -Confounded
Confounded,
You have just taken your first step towards enjoying advice columns even more than you do now, by simply becoming part of the advice-seeking public. By being one of the smart people who seek advice from total strangers, you will be able to better understand the mindset of the advice seeker.
